The beginning of the Journey with Jesus Christ.

 The beginning of the journey.

This is the testimony of my journey with Christ, our LORD. This is being written due to the prompting of the Holy Spirit; may it reach those who were meant to read it and may it change your hearts to follow him with zeal.

So here we go, from my spirit to yours.

Like most nowadays, I was born in a dysfunctional family. So bad that I lived in dissociation for most of my life, up until I started university. Didn't even realise how bad it was until then.

Until I woke up.

I don't remember most of my childhood and teen years nor do I want to remember. Some things are better left alone.

As a child, I didn't really understand God or what everything meant, even though my uncle brought us to the church each Sunday. Until we stopped going altogether. No one really sat me down and told me who Jesus was.

I started praying in my early twenties. That is when I realised that this family was messed up. 

And the cruel realisation that I was too.

I think up till then, I was living in a dream. Just a small plankton floating in the current.

And when lucidity finally peaked through, It.Hit.Hard.

Really hard.

So hard that even now, I am still reeling from it. 

But I digress. This is about the Journey with Christ, not about me. So I will not be going into personal details about my life, not now, not ever. That is between Him and I.

But I will share tips on how I navigated such swampy waters in the hope that it helps a soul out there.

So, the words Jesus spoke about having to be reborn again in the spirit? TRUE.

Like I said, I was praying but I was lukewarm. It was like on autopilot, really. Even though I really thought I was doing it with all my heart. I kept going like that until I became desperate.

I cried out to God for help and He sent me a video. 

And I clicked on it. I already wrote about that as an author's note on one of the chapters of the story I wrote. So I will just paste it below:

A.N: just a quick word for those in need of help; specially those suffering mentally.

A little disclaimer: I am sharing because I felt compelled to. If there is a chance that my testimony could help somebody out there, then I am happy. If this is not for you, please be respectful and just enjoy the chapter. Thank you for your comprehension.

If professional counselling did not help: Pray and fast (Important note: please be careful of any existing medical conditions you may have. Fasting doesn't have to be about not eating at all. You can fast by eating vegetarian or giving up something you are so attached/addicted to doing during that period. For example I did not read any stories or watch any secular things on youtube. I only listened to the bible, worship songs and prayers for a whole week. And pray! Get on your knees (if you are physically able to) and praise and worship The Lord. Sometimes you will be woken up automatically between 3 am and 6 am. Get up and pray. It happened to me and I was literally clueless. I had to look it up because it was persistent. I then understood that it was God requesting quiet time with me. So even if you are sleepy. Get up and get on your knees. You can go back to sleep afterwards, like I did. But you have to be sincere. Do not forget that.

I had been feeling really bad for years; anxiety, paranoia, anger, resentment, numbness and even suicidal thoughts. When you are at the end of your rope, there is only one Being in whom you can place your hope and trust.

At least for me.

So I got on my knees and prayed. A random video appeared on my feed one day. Just looking at the title I knew it was His answer to my prayer. I will link it below.

Long story short, I did it.

And I never felt more peaceful in my life.

It was scary to see just how under attack I was mentally. I didn't even realise it. It is only now that my mind is clear, peaceful and calm that I can see just how horrible it was.

And it was an attack because, as I started the fast, illogical thoughts would come into my mind. For example, angry thoughts about having to give up my phone and get down on my knees came into my mind. How can I get angry at things that I decided, in sound mind, to do? Such simple, unimportant things at that.

And getting on my knees didn't bother me so why was that thought here? It felt incongruous.

That is when it hit me; Oh....It was an attack. When I tell you I never got on my knees faster.

And another thing to be vigilant. Because YES, you HAVE TO STAY VIGILANT.

The attacks are so insidious and casual. At the start at least.

Because on the last two days it was bad. Really bad.

I broke down and a feeling of despair, suicide,sadness and anger nearly overwhelmed me. In the moment I did not realise, but now looking back, it was scary and horrifying.

You cannot make things like that up and say, teehee just coincidence.

I got through it with prayer. And going to church. I prayed and prayed and thanked God through it all. Even though I was angry I did it.

And after the last day of my fast, I woke up changed. Literally.

I cannot tell you how peaceful I felt inside.

I was not angry, I no longer held onto resentment and, a very poignant part for me, I got back my soft heart.

When people now tell me good morning, I can reply with a smile and no longer look as if peopled owed me something.

I could donate money to those in need with a light heart and from a place of compassion instead of judging them. Knowing I gave FOR GOD. Because He told me/us to.

It is so freeing.

So please do not give up.

Get on your knees and pray. He will hear you.

He loves you.

And even afterwards stay vigilant. The attacks will lessen and lose hold but the enemy will take any opportunity it can.

I felt it vividly sometimes. I rebuked it everytime.

Pray the Rosary of the Holy Virgin Mary and to Archangel Michael.

They will greatly help you.

Hope you come out changed too.

May His peace and love be with you.

Cheers.

(P.s: I know some will read this and think I am insane. It doesn't matter. The other camp, those who know knows, doing rituals and what not are even more zealous than the most devout of christians. 

Let that sink in. 

They believe and sacrifice for that thing. If that side believes fervently without an iota of a doubt in the existence of evil, then its opposite must be true. One cannot exist without the other. It was God after all who created all.)

I didn't realise it at the time, but that was when I was reborn. The peace I felt? The Holy Spirit descending and finding a home in me.

I discovered that later on, as I researched more and more about God.

And one thing I will never forget; how I got my bible.

So I was talking to the LORD (yes, please do talk to Him. He listens, believe it.) while researching bibles and was confused about which one I should buy. By looking at online versions, I came to the conclusion that I wanted the updated KJV one, that is, NKJV.

So one day, I made a trip to a bookstore I frequent and looked around. Didn't find the one I wanted. I shrugged and said okay I can check at another time. You see, I was not worried because I was already listening to the bible on youtube.

But the LORD was like, nopes you wanted one, you will get one; you need one.

So a week or so pass and something inside told me, 'go to the bookstore'.

Had to admit I was a bit reluctant cause I had other things to do.

But I obeyed and went.

Perused the shelves where they put bibles and saw other types of bible and the old KJV.

In my heart I said, 'Lord, this was not what I was looking for and they are a bit too pricey too. The old KJV version is a bit hard to read but should I just buy this one? '

But something made me put it back and look at the shelf underneath. I had ignored the books on it because they were thinner and inconspicuous. Somehow, I got the idea that bibles should be thick and leather bound. That is why when I noticed a book that was rather thin with red and white cover, my eyes had glossed over it in the beginning. Even though it obviously had a Holy Bible written on it. 

It is only when I pulled it out, just to check, that I discovered it was exactly the bible I was looking for!

And guess what?

THIS WAS THE ONLY REMAINING ONE.

At the price range I could afford too.

I was shocked and happy!

This cannot the coincidence y'all.

The one bible I was looking for and the only one still left, found me.

A big thank you to the LORD for listening to my ramblings and giving me the bible I wanted!

Anyway, that is to say, keep seeking the LORD with all your heart and soul. Even on the days when you just don't feel it, ask Him to give you strength and guidance to keep seeking Him.

Involve Him in anything you do and confide in Him.

Believe me, the LORD knows your deepest, darkest, filthiest secrets and thoughts. There is no use trying to hide them from Him. It is a foolish thing to do. That is what the enemy wants you to do. To feel shame and not put everything in the light before Him. And not to repent for each one of them.

A SIN IS A SIN.

No matter how small and insignificant you think that sin is, it is still a sin.

Repent for each one.

I tell you, the more you repent, the more you will discover other things to repent for. Some I didn't even know were sins! They looked so normal to me but in His eyes they were not.

Trust me, the LORD will open your eyes to make you see clearly what is wrong or right. 

Still, in everything you do, go to Him for guidance.

You know why?

Because the enemy is an accuser.

Be on your guard when you start repenting. Because the enemy will slickly slide thoughts of condemnation in your mind. If those thoughts come, immediately bring them to Jesus.

Because the LORD said that if you sincerely repent and change your ways, all is forgiven in His eyes. Believe in His words! Not the thoughts the enemy is trying to deceive you with.

Many people have fallen prey to this. Including me.

And it is no joke. It will even adapt to the person.

For example, for most it is , 'how could He ever forgive me? I am such a horrible human being!'

But for someone who has faith in His words but self-hatred it is, ' He forgave me, but how could I ever forgive myself? I am such a horrible human being that deserve to bear this burden as repentance.'

You see the how wickedly intelligent this is?

That is why faith and loving yourself as He loves you is important. 

So when the LORD says He forgives you, you have a duty to forgive yourself too. Or else it is just undermining the sacrifice He did on the cross for us.

I could write on but I shall stop here. I will post more later.

May the love and the peace of God be with you and yours.

Cheers.